The Second Chance I Will Never Have

This survivor regrets not being there when her mother passed away from metastatic breast cancer.

BY Barbara Tako

PUBLISHED March 13, 2018

Barbara Tako is a breast cancer survivor (2010), melanoma survivor (2014) and author of Cancer Survivorship Coping Tools–We'll Get You Through This. She is a cancer coping advocate, speaker and published writer for television, radio and other venues across the country. She lives, survives, and thrives in Minnesota with her husband, children and dog. See more at www.cancersurvivorshipcopingtools.com or www.clutterclearingchoices.com.

Five and a half years ago, I moved my parents from an assisted-living home in Iowa to an assisted-living home near me in Minnesota. I was an adult only child. Mom was 79 and Dad was 80, and they both had many health issues. We were fortunate to go from seeing each other several times per year to several times per week. My dad, who was dealing with severe dementia, passed away about a year after I moved them. Mom lived four more years.

We found her breast cancer at age 80 when I took her to my favorite prosthesis specialist who had helped me with lymphedema garments during my breast cancer. In adjusting Mom to help her find a better bra fit, the specialist found the lump. We pursued it. Mom chose to have a lumpectomy and to not pursue any additional treatment other than hormone therapy. When the breast cancer returned a couple of years later, my mom bravely faced a double mastectomy and did not choose to have reconstruction.

Mom and I enjoyed more time together. We would go have breakfast for lunch, take drives, run errands together and go to a lot of doctor appointments. I was grateful I could bring her whatever she wanted, hang out, visit with her and have lunch dates. Then the cancer came back a third time in the form of lesions marching across her skin, and upon further investigation, a brain tumor. It was now metastatic breast cancer. My heart broke. My mom was brave. In tears at the oncology surgeon's office, I asked her why she wasn't crying as I was, and her response was, "because someone I love isn't dying." I remember that we went out for ice cream at the end of that appointment.

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