April 26th, 2018
Survivorship
I still remember how optimistic I was when I had reached two years cancer free, thinking that this terrible burden of cancer would be gone, and this huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders. It was a great moment when my oncologist declared me still cancer free, and I sent out a big note of thanks to friends, family, and colleagues that had been there to support me. I thought this was all done, but the truth was, I was still just as afraid of cancer in the weeks and months after my big two years cancer free milestone as I was before, and I was disheartened and continued to struggle in life. I still had anxiety issues, I still suffered from periods of depression due to cancer, and yes, I still suffered from post traumatic stress as well.
I didn’t even technically need to be followed by an oncologist anymore, and opted to be "fired"and have what minimal annual checks I ought to have done taken care of by my primary care at annual physicals. I had evolved so much by this time, had found ways to find peace and fulfillment in spite of having had cancer in my life, and release so many of the fears that I had been holding onto. As fate would have it, someone I had cared for so deeply passed away from a late recurrence of his cancer right as I was going through my five year checks and formal discharge from oncology. My friend's late recurrence came seven years after his original fight had ended, and he died nine years after his original diagnosis. How then could I possibly feel truly at peace and at ease with cancer at the five year mark for my own cancer, right as I was preparing to fly out to be by the side of my friend’s family and speak at his celebration of life? If it happened to him, it could happen to me too. Even at five years, the fear never left me.
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