5 Reminders for Anyone Who Loves Someone With Cancer

March 30th, 2017 | Relationships, Creativity

Jessica-Wunder | Survivor: Hodgkin's Lymphoma    Connect

This letter is not for everyone. This is for those fighters and survivors who were, who are, afraid to upset the ones they love and who are afraid of coming across as too negative, or discouraging. This is for those who are afraid of saying, “this is what I need from you.” Because when you’re already relying on others for help and support, it can be difficult to ask for one more thing, even if that “thing” is what you need more than any other. This letter is so you don’t have to say it, so you can quietly repost, link, or email to the ones you think need to hear it.

Dear friends, family, and loved ones of a cancer patient or survivor,

I know you mean well. I know you care, or else you wouldn’t be reading this. I know you likely want, more than anything, for your loved one to be healthy and happy and cancer and pain- free. Trust me, they want that too.

I can imagine that when your loved one expresses fears, about treatment, about “what will happen,” about the cancer returning, you want them to feel better. You want to tell them that “everything is ok.” I can imagine that you might say this because you want to believe it yourself.

But before you say or type those words, before you let them slip from your mind and put them out in the open...Stop. Consider the very real, and unpleasant idea, that everything is not ok. If everything were ok, you wouldn’t be in this situation. And your loved one who is going through it all understands that better than anyone else.

But when you try to assure us that everything is “ok,” it can instead serve as a painful reminder of just how distant you are from our experience. Though you’re attempting to provide comfort and solace, we instead feel more isolated and alone. When you tell us “it’s ok,” it can feel as though you’re dismissing our very valid fears. This is especially true for survivors who are expressing fears about relapse.

So before you say anything, take a moment to read these reminders, written by a survivor, and addressed to anyone who loves someone with cancer. I hope that this helps.

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