The ways life hits us with various challenges is neither fair nor fun, but we can still find happiness.
PUBLISHED June 07, 2018
Samira Rajabi was diagnosed with a vestibular schwannoma, also known as an acoustic neuroma in 2012. She has had ten surgeries to deal with her tumor and its various side effects. She writes a blog about her life, surgeries, recovery and experiences at LivingWithHerbert.com. She is currently a post-doctoral fellow at the Center for Advanced Research in Global Communication at the University of Pennsylvania, where she studies media studies. In her spare time she plays with her two pups and spends time with her husband exploring Philadelphia.
It's been a tough year.
I try not to bring it up anymore. No one likes hearing about it and recently my husband looked at me as I was going over the various events and calamities of my day, and as I was performing the emotional labor of the worry of having a family member suffer from cancer, and he said, "when are we going to stop being sad?" I looked at him puzzled, and defiantly said, "I'm not sad!" thinking to myself that if he was sad, that was his way of coping, not mine. I surveyed my life and the multiple blessings in it and contemplated all that I had been through good and bad.
I try not to bring it up anymore. No one likes hearing about it and recently my husband looked at me as I was going over the various events and calamities of my day, and as I was performing the emotional labor of the worry of having a family member suffer from cancer, and he said, "when are we going to stop being sad?" I looked at him puzzled, and defiantly said, "I'm not sad!" thinking to myself that if he was sad, that was his way of coping, not mine. I surveyed my life and the multiple blessings in it and contemplated all that I had been through good and bad.
I realized that I get sad sometimes. In fact, at times I am at the mercy of a crippling depression that goes dark as quickly as the light fills my windows in the morning. In those times, my rational mind and my suffering body cannot find each other. There is no middle ground between us. Yet, at other times, I so fervently grab on to joy and light that there is no space for my sadness. It is as though the light warms and nurtures my relentless gratitude – my true recognition that even while life is hard, it is all we have. This is the shirking of my pain. I suppose in the times where I see myself standing in the light, I feel untouchable.
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