My heart seeks joy. My life is joyful, full of light. And I know trauma can live in the light, I have seen it and lived it.
PUBLISHED JULY 19, 2018
Samira Rajabi was diagnosed with a vestibular schwannoma, also known as an acoustic neuroma in 2012. She has had ten surgeries to deal with her tumor and its various side effects. She writes a blog about her life, surgeries, recovery and experiences at LivingWithHerbert.com. She is currently a post-doctoral fellow at the Center for Advanced Research in Global Communication at the University of Pennsylvania, where she studies media studies. In her spare time she plays with her two pups and spends time with her husband exploring Philadelphia.
I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in 2012. It was scary, daunting and exhausting. It was not impossible to cope with, or perhaps I only feel that way because I survived and have a relatively healthy distance from and denial of it. My rational mind remembers how hard it was, but I often dismiss it away. Perhaps I’m trying to forget.I had a lot of brain surgery between December of 2012 and July of 2016. I used to remember the date of each one, with the dates of lumbar punctures, minor outpatient procedures and office visits peppered in between. I could feel in my bones the anniversaries of my surgeries creeping up on me because my anxiety and fear would exist viscerally in my body, visible in my enlarged pupils and the hair on my arms standing on end. But, as one surgery turned to two, then three, four, five, all the way to 10, I started to lose count. As hospital stays went from short couple-day stints to ones that lasted weeks at a time, the days and surgeries blurred together.
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